My Inner Struggle-Fear & Faith

Last weekend, I attended the 'Prayer Conference' from Fri-Sun which was preached by Pr Dr Philip Lyn (Skyline SIB KK). I learned a lot about faith and the power of prayers.I had a breakthrough and realised that God revealed to me where I went wrong with some of my prayers.

A friend of mine revealed to me something which I wasn't aware of or more like, I choose to bury it deep inside me and ignore it.He messaged to me last Sunday evening whereby he told me during our worship celebration, he sensed the word fear inside me and that I should be bold and just do God's will.At that time, I didn't think too much about it although I did think what is it that I feared. I just prayed over it. It wasn't until today that something deep inside me just stirred and it was FEAR.

I am sure most of you fear of something or someone, at one point or another.

I know that He knows my heart well what are some of the things that I been longing to do. However, a lot of things kept me from not doing it due to fear.I know that I have a heart for people who are less fortunate and a part of me yearning to reach out and help in some way. I have also thought about short-term mission trips including the ones by OM International when George Verwer came to DUMC last year.

Firstly, since I still have debts to be paid off and mission trips are at your own expense, I fear I will not able to raise the money and that my mum will disapprove of it since I am still in debt and my wedding is next year.Moreover, as my current job is on contract, that means if my short-term mission trip is more than 2 weeks,I have no income flowing in, which means insufficient funds to pay for my bills.A lot of my fear is money related although God has proven to me repeatedly when He provided for me.

The other fear is the fact that I have not even shared John 3:16 and evangelise to anyone before although I have attended 'Type-A-Evangelism' leadership session in DUMC.

My innermost struggle is that I fear that my faith is not strong enough to pull myself through.To have faith in God seems so easy for some and struggle for others.As you know, faith is being sure of something which you can't see.

A part of me is longing and yearning to serve God too but my fear and faith is at war inside me now....

Will I be able to overcome it? How much do I need to pray and will He answer me?

Lost in Thoughts

Now that the long weekend holidays are over, most of us are back to work today. Traffic is still smooth with majority of them away from the city and schools are closed till next Monday.

I come to realised that holidays can be fun and enjoyable, yet boring as I found out yesterday.EJ and I attended one of his friend's wedding dinner on sunday night.He had to helped out the married couple but I still enjoyed my night sharing with some of our friends from PJ EFC.We reached home quite late almost to midnight and we were tired out. Furthermore, we planned to go up to Cameron for day trip on Monday.

Monday came as I groggily woke up at 6.30am and get ready before I woke my mum and EJ up too.We left my house at 7.30am and soon EJ and I were on our way to Cameron. Traffic was so smooth that let's just say, I was zooming away :-P We stopped by Bidor at around 9am for breakfast before we continue driving to Cameron.Weather was cool and it was nice to drive except when we reached there, the jam start. There were many cars up there and where ever there are shops and attractions, the traffic was almost at a standstill.I think we were in the car more than we were at the attractions.

It has been more than 10 over years for both of us since we last went up to Cameron Highlands. Lots of development and commercialisaton took over.Many things have changed.However, for us, there we found nothing much to do there and I think both of us wished that we didn't organised as day trip instead but at least an overnight stay.We drove back down around 5pm and decided to go to Ipoh for dinner, which took us another 2 over hours due to traffic.We only reached back Subang around 11pm and went to kopitiam to have a drink before heading back home.

It was still worthwhile as both of us get to spend some time together and enjoying our day.

Movie Review-Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

One of the most anticipated movie of all time for summer this year, I wasn't surprised that tickets were sold out quickly for the next 1-2 weeks. It was fortunate that a friend of ours had managed to book those tickets at TGV cinema. They were the first ones to release the show yesterday as the other cinema are only opening today. For a 10.30pm movie, cinema was packed. It was also one of my long-awaited movie as I have always been a fan of Transformers since I was young.

Story started off with 2 years after Autobots saved earth from the Decepticons. Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) is now leaving his house for college and away from his Mikeala (Megan Fox) and his faithful companion, Bumblebee.Since the Allspark were destroyed, the Autobots work hand-in-hand with Mejar Lennox (Josh Duhamel) and USAF Master Seargent Epps (Tyrese Gibson), the NEST Team to hunt down the remaining Decepticons that are still hiding on earth. However, they found out that they may not be accepted well by the humans.

Then, came National Security Advisor Theodore Galloway (John Benjamin Hickey), who believed that all Transformers should be banished from earth, and do what he can to close down NEST. Optimus Prime agreed to leave earth if that is the wish of the world governments, but warns him to consider what will happen if Decepticons do fight back, as humans have been proven to be defenseless against the machines.

Meanwhile, Sam is adjusting to college life with his pushy roommate, Leo (Ramon Rodriguez) and aggressive hot female, Alice (Isabel Lucas). Sam tries to adjust to college life until he keeps getting visions flashing across him occassionally. Sam didn't realise that he holds the key between the good and the evil.

Soon, Sam found himself being pursued by Alice, who is actually a Decepticon in disguise and later, they begin to uncover the history of Transformers' presence on earth with the help of NEST and an old adversary who then turned ally, former Sector 7, Agent Simmons.

My review is that it's a good movie and it's definately better than the first one. Only one complaint I have is that sometimes, there were so many fighting scenes between the robots that even I got confused.However, note for hardcore fans is that do not place such high expectations on the sequel. Overall, I find that it is a good movie.

Alert, Alert...Warning Sirens....

I really dreaded this. Somehow I knew this is gonna happen sooner or later. Someone just told me that I am becoming more like my mum because I seem to have gotten some of her characterization, which I have never, ever liked in the first place. During my years of growing up, there were some things which I didn't agree and I even told myself that I must not replicate what my parents did. Unknowningly, some of the traits is starting to be visible based on my actions and my words when I do it. This is hard, this is hard.....Not an easy one to overcome. :-((((

Is English Important?

If you have read today's The Star headlines which says "Ministry to deliberate on English paper for SPM", I have to say, it is about time someone take notice. In the current business world where English is the main medium communication, it is sad indeed that I find Malaysia, which used to be a British colony, that generations these days are still struggling to grasp the common language. I believed that English were more difficult and standards were higher during the 50s and 60s.

When I started to join the education industry as I wanted to explore what is it like working in a different industry compared to the corporate sector, I was indeed surprised by the number of changes made to Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia (SPM). Needless to say, I had a stunned look when I was told that they have even lowered the standard of passing rate for Bahasa Malaysia (BM) whereby students are only required to get a pass in BM and not even a credit.

Ironically, for a country which emphasizes so much in having BM as the national language and yet reducing the standard to a mere pass, then may I know where is the question of quality of education then? Aren't you contradicting then whereby some have wanted the selected subjects to be taught back in BM, yet it is not mandatory to get a credit for BM paper?

It was so different back then during my school days slightly over 10 years back that in SPM, it is a MUST to obtain a credit in BM and I feel that the quality of education were much better. These days, from my observation, I see most parents sending their children to tuition classes for almost all subjects and at the same time, placing them in extra-curricular activities like piano lesson, organ lesson, dance classes and so forth. When they are back home, there's homework to be done and study time too. Most parents are so focus on academic and the pressure students faced that they need to obtain as many As as possible while sacrificing their youth life away. In simple terms, students don't get to enjoy the life of their teen years like we used to. Students are so focused on academic that some resorted to memorizing that when they enter colleges and universities, they struggled.

Of course, I lauded the ministry for wanting to introduce English in selected subjects, which I find it reasonable. Reason is that I find that students struggle to study these subjects that has been taught since school days when they enter colleges or universities. That just shows how poor their command of English. I am not saying that my English is fantastic as I am well aware that I do make grammatical mistakes but I am still willing to learn from my mistakes and correcting it.

However, you be surprised by the fact that when I attended some interviews with major corporate companies, the Human Resource Manager or the hiring manager of the department commented to me that they have interviewed so many potential candidates with qualifications of a Degree or Masters and they can still fail the interview process. Do you know the reason to this? They were surprised that these graduates can still obtain a degree and yet still unable to even answer simple interview questions or worst still, they answered back in improper English. That tells you the command of English among the graduates Mind you, established companies will not merely ask you questions like "What can you contribute to the company" or "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now". Some will even ask "If you were put in to this situation or problem, describe to me based on your past experiences or from what you have studied, how would you solve this situation?"

If you as a graduate is unable to communicate in simple English, what's more when you need to deal with business investors, your CEOs, MDs, Directors and so forth? Some of your job will require you to even do presentation to the higher management or doing work process flow or amending contracts and etc. How do you then get the message across, least of all convincing them?

Therefore, I think it is time that our education set an expectation where students can strive and compete in the working world and not going backwards instead to stone age. Hence, if they decided to have English as a must pass paper in SPM, I find that it will benefit everyone and not just minority of people. In the fast paced environment that we are in, Malaysia need to evolve.

My Thoughts.....

Wow, I completed five journals and on to my sixth one in just one day >_< This is indeed a feat for me as I've never complete a journal within a day unless it's a short one. That shows what kind of mood I was in, not a very good one.

As I reflect back this year, it came to my realization that I have had an emotional year so far. I seemed to break down more than I did when I loses the people closest to me. There were too many things which I am unable to take the load anymore as I feel as if the burden gets heavier and heavier that it weighs down on me to a point when I feel suffocated.

Perhaps, the fact that I hardly meet up with my pet brother and my best friends as we used to due to few of us are currently in a relationship or even work and the late hours that some of us are putting, makes it sometimes not possible to meet up on weekdays. I admit, yes gals (I miss hanging out with you gals too) that we used to have so much free time to meet up and go shopping or movies or mamak even. I even rarely meet up with my former Amex or Maybank friends anymore. There were few whom I was particularly close with as I trusted them when I need to confide or talk on certain things.

I am not saying that I don't confide with my fiance too.In fact, I talk to him just about everything under the sun :-P. I just wish that I could also meet up with these friends once a while even with my fiance coming along. I don't mind and I know, most of my friends don't too as long as I can see them more often.It's also partly my fault as I seem to have things to do almost every weekend, which is related to our wedding surveying at times or if not, it has got to do with my mum or personal time that I need to do my own shopping or our times just clashes. I felt that I am beginning to be just like one of those many people who ignores their friends once they are in a relationship and I don't want to be that kind of person.

Sighhhhhh................................yep, a long sighhhhhhh

Men I Respected Currently

So far, in my journey of life, there are only few men whom I respected; Uncle Sze Kuan, Pr Chris Kam, Pr Gan, Pr Chris Hodges and Rev David Pawson so far. No, most of them do not have a direct influence in my life other than my uncle, who I was quite attached to since young. As for the rest of the men, I respected Pr Chris Kam for who he is; very much a family oriented man who loves his wife dearly other than God and also his children. He also has the fatherly look which makes him easily approachable and the stories of his own experiences with his children which he shares with us or even during his sermon about his past experiences, which I thoroughly enjoyed listening.

As for Pr Gan, although I only conversed with him when I attended his class sessions on My New Life, Type-A-Evangelism and two of his other classes; Prayer as a Lifestyle and Spiritual Warfare which I have yet to attend or when I happen to crosses his path in the church, I find that it was his past experience of losing someone whom he loved dearly that makes me want to emulate him. I was able to relate to him as I had gone through losing two people whom I was very close with before. It takes a lot of healing and time before one can really move on.

Next on my respected list is Rev David Pawson when he came to DUMC early this year for our Easter evangelistic campaign. He is an elderly man yet I find that he is so wise and full of wisdom and still so knowledgeable. I enjoyed his sermon a lot when he preached and he talked about his research on when did Jesus exactly died and ressurected again and of his journey to Israel. He resembles a lot like a grandfather who enjoys telling us his story.

The most recent one is Pr Chris Hodges who came down from U.S. last weekend as he was the main speaker for the 13th MCCC. I regretted not joining this time round, for I like his sermon and preaching too. He has a good sense of humour and he knows how to reach out the the younger generations here other than the older ones and still able to send his message across. I had a great time listening to him speaking about Church of the 21st century. He related how he was just a below average kid with average results, always get picked on at school and also sort of an introvert. When God chose him to do His work, he shares of his persecution and constant attack on him and his family.

However, he shared something which is very much related to a lot of us which was if we are to do His work, there are 3 kings that we all need to defeat:

1. What we have done to ourselves-SIN
Overcome it through humilty
2. What others have done to us-WOUNDS
Overcome it through honesty
3. What the enemy has planted for us-CURSES
Overcome it through Holy Spirit.

I know then that it touches on one of the things which I failed to overcome in baptism encounter, which was the wound inside of me.

Dedicate 2 D Luv Of My Life ....

Holding Hands by Steve Green

One day, far away, you gently won my heart
And one night, by candlelight, we made a vow to never part
And then it seemed just like a dream
When wide eyed, side by side
We faced the future holding hands

Years fly, they hurry by, the simple times are gone
Bills due, a kid or two, a week can feel eight days long
By fading light, let's kiss goodnight
And then we trace God's daily grace
Thankful we're still holding hands

There's a hope that won't let go
There's a truth we know
God is holding us
In His arms

Thoughts stray far away to all that lies ahead
In frail days when strength fades
Will we still mean all that we said?
Our love's secure, so rest assured
Come what may 'til that day
We'll walk forever holding hands

By God's grace 'til that day
We'll walk forever holding hands

Birthday Gals and Men

My cell group recently organize a birthday bash sometime mid-May among the members for April-June 2009 babies. I know Chriselle and few others have been planning for slighly a month. On that day itself during our regular CG night, I was shocked too see that they have bought so much food. There were around slightly more than 10 of us that were present that night with 4 birthday babies although there were supposed to be few more birthday babies.

We started off with the blessings of the food (we only started around 8pm+ nearing to 9pm, I think) and then we just ate and ate and ate. Unfortunately, there were still so much leftover by the time we finished almost to 10pm. We rested for a while before Sharon brought out the almost too good-to-eat chocolate brownie cake ^^ . Eric, Abbey, Guat Seng and I gathered around the cake and we blew out each of the four candles, meant for us. Later, our members did a birthday prayer for the 4 of us before we savoured the brownies. EJ was there too but he was the so-called volunteered photographer for that night, which explains why his photos aren't in here.

Wound Wrapped in Bandages

Have you ever so far, in your life experienced from someone; be it from your own family, friends, bosses, colleagues who sometimes criticizes you or given you a remark where it constantly puts your self-worth down? How did you feel then? Do you feel like what the person say may be true? That I am not good? Or do you feel that you have try to give your best, but it wasn't enough for that person? I know that some of my friends have been through that and would know what it feels like. I, for one, have been feeling like that for a very, very long time. It was something that I have kept within myself and suppressing it. In the beginning, I was able to shove it off and not think too much about it. But, as I grew older, the criticism, just grew louder and louder. In fact, it came to a point where I am like wearing a mask to cover the hurt inside me and pretended that I am fine. I am always known to be a strong person and persevere whatever that comes my way.But even the strongest will also have his or her weaknesses.

It was as if, everything that I do is either never good enough or that why can't I be like this person, or that person. Comparing me with someone else is something that I can still tolerate but to put down my self-esteem is something that I have been holding on inside of me, for the longest time.I never realize how much it hurts when it comes from someone closes to you until recently this year. I confessed that there were times when I retaliated back to protect myself. But there were also times when I tried to withhold back my anger and not said anything knowing that it will make the matter worst. After all, it was clearly stated in one of the Ten Commandments.

The Baptism Encounter Weekend in April was a good one for me as I did confessed and repented all of my sins and healed one of my wounds. I thought I had resolved my wounds too as when my baptism took place in May, I had buried my old self and promised that I will be renewed. It wasn't much later when I realize that when it happened again just a while back, that the hurt was worst than before. I totally felt as if my heart was stabbed with a knife.The only time I felt peace inside me is when I do my daily quiet time and prayer with Him. I know He has reassured me before through pastor's sermon and also through friends whom I am very close with, yet, I find it a struggle to pull myself through this one. For the past few days, I felt my fortress just starts to crumble down and I was prone to crying when I am alone. When I am with friends, I built up the wall around me so that the vulnerability side of me will not appear. It takes a lot of self-control to be able to do that. I am unable to even discuss it because I know I will end up breaking down.

It is easier said than done.....